Riding a horse (October please come take this sorrow away)

September is over, and so is my ability to process my surroundings. August felt like an eternal journey to hell, and September felt like getting thrown into an ocean and drowning. I suppose I didn't hit rock bottom, but I didn't reach the top either. Just lost in the vast emptiness, waiting for a Kraken to devour me.

Yeah, sure, the saudade feeling engulfed me; It goes 360° and land back at my feet again I'm exhausted. I am rotting in my empty nest. No academic pressure but some clockwork feeling. I took off the rose-colored glasses to save myself from the desire and deep-colored fantasies about someone, so now there's no one to write poems about or maybe scribble words to articulate my feelings, but vaguely so that I don't take off my façade mistakenly, which makes my poetry pretentious sometimes.

But I'm kinda in comatose right now, so that means I am metamorphosing, getting new wings. But what good is that if the paths are unknown....
There's a Zen story about a man riding a horse that was galloping fast; it seemed like he was going somewhere important. Another man alongside the road saw and shouted where he was going. He replied "I don't know; ask the horse".
Even though the spine-cracking weight that I was carrying is over, but now I am riding a horse, and I have no idea where it's taking me. All I have with me is the lingering naivety, " Hope" and some debris from my dreams. Waking up and questioning existence is not so much fun, but it surely opens up the third eye.

Whether I want to be a corporate slave, a wage cuck, or lead a miserable hedonistic life to the point where I would say it's time to end it, It doesn't really matter now because altering the irrevocable dream is quite difficult. But what can I do....
Hollering over the absurd is pretty naive as well. So, I suppose I am going to do it the former way and thug it out.